At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross.  Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

    The saying God works in mysterious ways has lost all meaning to me, because I don't think God works in anyway, because God doesn't exist.  Or maybe God does exist maybe The lord is reading this right now and will smite me about it later on in life with lightening or a getting hit by a bus but  I will not change my beliefs.
    2 days ago my Auntie died.  She was a mother of 3 and a good christian woman.  Now tell me how this whole God bullshit works?  He takes away the rights of 3 kids to have a loving mother?  Fuck that. All I know is that I have to keep on being strong for Serena.  She's so strong, I don't know how she does it.  No teenage girl should have to lose their mother.  You're supposed to bury your parents when they're all old and wrinkly not when they're in their mid-thirties.  It's not fair.  Why Michelle?  Why Serena?  Why my family? None of them, none of us deserved this.  I don't know what to do anymore.

Warning: If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all that claim it? Do you read everything you're supposed to read? Do you think every thing you're supposed to think? Buy what you're told to want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you're alive. If you don't claim your humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned


    Sometimes it worries me how much time I have to just be in my own head and write.  I just sit down and write and write and write.  If someone were to be able to crawl inside my brain and see what's going on in there I think they'd definitely be entertained or frightened depending.  I guess in a way it's a good and bad thing that I can just be.  I don't need a boyfriend to define my existence, I don't need anyone for that matter to define who I am, and to me that is truly the most glorious thing that I can say about myself.  Some people are so scared to be alone.  To just sit down and look inside themselves.  Most people don't want to acknowledge the person that they are without material things or other people defining them, and do not get me wrong I'm not necessarily proud of all the things I've done, but at the end of the day when it's just me and those four walls, I love the person that I am.
    I'm definitely not the easiest person to deal with and I am completely aware of this.  Actually most of the time I get on people's nerves.  Push them away.  Play before you get played.  But maybe I should change this.  I always keep such a strong guard up that it's becoming quite the problem.  I don't know any better though.  I can't blame myself because it's not me, it's just how I was taught.  Not to cry, not to let people get the best of you and if something is bothering you, you deal with it.  You can't unteach these things but you can work around them I suppose.  My excuse is when I find someone worth changing for I'll change.  But I don't think that that's true, actually I know it's not true but self-deception can't be that bad, can it?  All I know is that, I need to get motivated.  I need something, anything to make me want to get up in the morning.  I hope someone can make me feel that way again. "/

I saw life for what it's really worth & took a step back.
 

  So I've had a lot of time to consider my options. And I can't help but feel like maybe the root of all my problems is myself? Hm, time for some self-renovation perhaps? It's pretty crazy how my life has changed so drastically within the past 8 months. Just think about, on new years eve I was crying thinking about how I had to see him and her together, and now I just kind of face it as a harsh reality and it doesn't really phase me anymore. Seeing him happy with someone else, it isn't anything to me, and I mean that in a way that I can honestly tell myself that I'm over it. Then within a few months I realized how fake some people can be. People you hold close to your heart are the same ones that will fuck you over. Just as fast as you had their back when no one wanted anything to do with them, they'll throw you under the bus to withhold their own egotistical reputation. The fact that my "best friend" didn't want to look stupid after she made a mistake and then pinned it on me is in it of itself a fucking joke. The fact that my best friend who happened to be fucking her picked her bullshit over the truth is a fucking joke. And all the people I pissed off because I wouldn't swallow my pride and admit to something that I didn't do, it a fucking joke as well. Can't you see the repetition here?
    The fact of the matter is that I'm in it for myself.  I'm going to do whatever it is I have to, to get whatever it is I want.  Call it petty, call it stupid, call it whatever you will.  This is me.  I'm not going to say a long ass sob story about how I've been fucked over so many times, because frankly everyone has.  Me saying that I have it worse than anyone else would be such bullshit, because I honestly don't think that I have it that hard.  I have but 2 best friends and 4 sisters who I wouldn't trade in for the world.  Jennie, Serena, Lyn, Beefy, Abbey, Maddie.  About the only people I need.  I look back at the way things went down with some people, and how I could've handled a lot of things differently.  If maybe I wasn't so hard-headed and stubborn he wouldn't have had to be hurt they way he was, and maybe I wouldn't of had to be hurt the way I was.  Maybe, my mindset was wrong.  Me thinking that it's already "too late" to change could be the problem.  It's never too late to change.
    I look at how happy people are and how I'm kind of just stuck in this rut, and I can't blame anyone but myself.  I'm still stuck in this stage where it's like everyone is out to get me, and everyone will go out of their way to mess up my life and make things more difficult for me, when in all actuality just having this mind state is the problem.  On the other hand, who are all of these girls to be happy?  What was one fucking struggle that they've ever been through in their fucking life and the world gets to love them and hand them everything their pathetic little heart desires on a fucking silver platter?  What the fuck is that?  Basically, who are they to be happier than me?  Especially when they are so unappreciative about it.  Oh your boyfriend didn't call you?  Well fuck I'm sorry.  I had to help my best friend pick out her Mom's casket today.  Fuck you.  Don't talk to me about hardship and heartbreak when you don't know shit about the word. 
    I'm tired of crying and feeling sorry for myself, and feeling sorry for Serena, and not knowing what to do.  I don't understand how my best friend can be stronger than me when she's the one who's going through the bullshit not me. Maybe it's just time for a change, and there really is no time but the present.
   Who am I kidding?  I'm not going to change.  I don't a big game but won't go through with it, but I guess that's okay.  We live alone, we die alone.  Simple as that homie.  There's nothing deeper. Nothing more, nothing less and frankly it's all the same alone.  When people get to close, they get hurt and I'm not willing to deal with that shit anymore.

has been looking up lately [:
and that;s all I can say about it.

We're all alone in the foster home killin' ourselves with the house keys. Not every broken home can come equipped with a fix-it man and it's a smelly mess once the shit hits the fan. Kids just stand in their circle jerks with there dicks in the sand saying 'FUCK THE WORLD' cause they aint got no girl. But who do they think I am? Think again, I'm not that quick to plan ahead of time. I'm two steps behind the schedule, they pretend to befriend my mind.





Falling in love is easy. Falling out of love takes a bit of practice.



Real talk; I will never let someone get such a hold of me again. Because sure it's nice when you love someone and they love you back but when you get played, it's a whole different kind of hurt especially for me. I never saw it coming. Everyone else did, but I didn't. Luckily for me, I'm a very independent person and when my heart gets broken I'm quick to pick up the pieces and fix it, in a figurative sense of course.


And another thing. I'm done worrying about what others think about me. If they don't know wassuhp then it's their loss not mine.

LIFE IS GOOD [:

I find it hard to talk about myself. I’m always tripped up by the eternal who am I? paradox. Sure, no one knows as much pure data about me as me. But when I talk about myself, all sorts of other factors—values, standards, my own limitations as an observer—make me, the narrator, select and eliminate things about me, the narratee. I’ve always been disturbed by the thought that I’m not painting a very objective picture of myself. This kind of thing doesn’t seem to bother most people. Given the chance, people are surprisingly frank when they talk about themselves. “I’m honest and open to a ridiculous degree,” they’ll say, or “I’m thin-skinned and not the type who gets along easily in the world.” Or “I am very good at sensing others’ true feelings.” But any number of times I’ve seen people who say they’re easily hurt, hurt other people for no apparent reason. Self-styled honest and open people, without realizing what they’re doing, blithely use some self-serving excuse to get what they want. And those “good at sensing others’ true feelings” are duped by the most transparent flattery. It’s enough to make me ask the question: How well do we really know ourselves?

I wish he knew how much shit I've dealth with for him. and as fucked up as it may sound, I wish he could go through HALF the shit he's put me through. He doesn't realize just how much i love him.

like something really bad is going to happen. The other night I did something and now I'm considering if it was the right thing to do. One part of me feels like I've been with this boy FOR A LONG ASS TIME, and he never expected anything out of me until now, so he obviously likes me for waiting around for so long. But on the other hand what if I just fade into a line of girls and become another one of the "ex's". That's what I'm so scared of. I can't imagine how much it would hurt if I found out that after all this time, I was just "another girl". He tells me I'm wrong and that I'm trippin, but I can't deny the fact that I feel like something bad is going to happen. I'm head over heels for this boy, I'd be so lost without him it's unreal. It's not good to put that much trust in someone. Trusting them to not break your heart, trusting them with details of your life that would otherwise make you feel vulnerable. I have so much faith in him. Please don't let me down.

talk a bunch of shit. then expect for things to be forgotten about? No things are most defintely not forgotten about. I just push those kinds of things on the back-burner until I see you or your friends or fucking people who look like you and then it's over.








I don't stop. I don't forget. Fuck everyone.

of life. Making sacrifices for others is ending up being tougher than I EVER could have imagined. It's difficult forgiving others, VERY DIFFICULT. Especially for me. I mean for so long I've been the kind of girl who fought everyone and who didn't give a fuck. But now that I'm older and more mature I'm realizing that its best to sometimes just pick and choose your battles. Some are worth fighting and some are just not. It's easier to just get over it. And most of the time, I'm not even fighting for anything that matters. Just fighting to fight. Which believe me, will never change. But petty girl drama is just ridiculous. I'm not going to fight a girl because she likes my boyfriend. First off, he's my boyfriend. LOOK WHO HAS HIM. Me not you. And that's where that ends. People will always talk shit about me. And I'm not going to be all XTUFFX and say "IDGAF" because sometimes it does get under my skin, but I don't let it get under my skin enough to let it control my life. I live my life according to me.


But back to what I was saying about making sacrifices and forgiving. I've never been one to give out second chances. I mean the few times I have it has came back to bite me in the ass. But can I forgive him for breaking HIS promise? I mean, how is a person supposed to "be there for you" in a fucking jail cell? That's my question. I've got a lot of thinking to do "/

i'm rarely on this anymore, but I love livejournal so I'm going to write.



alot of things have changed within the past few months
and I can gurantee you right now that I'm going to be a happier person from it.
I'm cutting people out of my life, who really don't need to be there.
And as for dumb sluts, I'm not going to go looking for trouble. Believe me, it always ends up catching up with me, its always been like that. But I'm going to let girls live their lives the way they want them, and if that's opening there legs for just about anyone, than that's there choice and I don't give a fuck. I however, have morals and wouldn't do that shit, not even for a fucking second. But whatever, I'll let some dumb bitches keep talking thier little shit, and the next time I see em, they'll finally get what they had coming to em. and thats their fault, not mine.

to be alone. No I'm scared that's how I'd like to be.





So things have been alright with me. Basketball consumes my whole fucking life so sorry if I don't update. A lot of shit has happened. And someone who I held dear to my heart fucked me over. And honestly, it doesn't bug me one bit. The more friends you have, the more problems you have. I have no problem cutting people out of my life who don't want to be there.

I just recently finished reading a book "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom and I can truly say it changed my life. I have never been that touched by a book in my whole entire life. It made me think, what would I do if I got one more day with someone who was gone? I would honestly give anything. But I suppose you can't look at it that way because that's just not how life works, but it's alright to imagine and keep your dreams close to your heart. It's raining out, I love the rain. I'm learning that forgiving is a big part of growing up. Holding on to petty grudges isn't going to do you any good at all.

counting my loses and feeling sorry for myself. With everything that has been going on, I've learned that life is way to short to waste your time. Life comes at you very fast sometimes, and we really lose sight of what is truly important to us. I know what is now. And despite the whole boy trouble bullshit that I have been stressing so much over. I just need to accept what happened and move on. All that matters, is that someone who I love and who means a lot to me is happy. And that's where it ends. Nothing more, nothing less. So I went into the new year, thinking I wouldn't have any resolutions because I've been living my life the way I wanted to live it. But I've been doing a lot of thinking and that's definitely not the case. I want to be the same happy-go-lucky girl I was a few years ago. The girl who didn't think about what people thought of her. The girl who forgave and forgot. I'm so different then how I was. And basically, I'm ready to be happy again.

With the exception of last night which is pretty stupid. This christmas is going very well. Due to the fact that it's only 9 30 I'm sure it won't be well for too long. But last night, whoa. Crying on christmas eve can you believe that? Yeah me neither. I guess when things build up way too much and you just need to let it all out. Plus, some stupid guy is completely oblivious and wasted my damn time. That sucked too. But life overall has been going alright, we'll see how this day goes.


so far what I've gotten;
Juicy Couture Purse
$70
Step Up
NACHO LIBRE!!! W00T!
For One More Day by Mitch Albom
Cute ass winter jacket
Undies
& shiiirtts and what not



plus my birthday is in oh about 12 days
so I don't really get much for christmas ]:
but i got my purse so i am extremely happy :)

So, I bought into the Livejournal.com hype er whatever. Just need a spot to get out all my feelings. I've been thinking a lot about everything that has happened this past year, and how much I've had to grow up. It's astonishing, if the person who I was could see the person that I am not, I bet I wouldn't of known who the hell this girl is. I thought that I wanted to grow up fast, and smoke and drink, and learn every lesson the hard way, but the fact is that I look back and actually regret putting myself through all the stuff I put myself through. Life isn't about learning everything in short periods of time. It takes time to gain wisdom..I guess I just didn't realize that. I do now, and that's all that matters. So this year, for my new years resolution, I'm just going to try and be an all around better person. Being more honest, living life to it's fullest, and accepting whatever life gives me. Picking my friends wisely, is another resolution. I have good judgment on about everything but that. I always end up rolling with the wrong crowd and getting in too deep. I don't ever want to feel that helpless again in my life. So I'm going to try and stop hanging out with those who don't have my best interest in mind. Yeah that about covers it.